The night was filled with tears and sorrow. We woke up, attended Hebrew, and then Jewish History, but instead of class we walked to the Kibbutz cemetery. (Here, I learned Kibbutz Tzuba is actually Kibbutz Palmach Tzuba, after the Tanack and then it's founders, the Palmach). The kibbutz held this tekes in special commemoration of their two lost boys from 1993 and 2002 or 2004. Compared to other kibbutzim, they had hardly lost any... other ranging in the dozens, but the families of these two boys were standing there today. They were there. One had an identical twin brother... Is that what he would of looked like if he were still alive today? There was a plaque with name of Palmach members who would of helped create the kibbutz only if they survived the Independence War. One saved the life of a woman who was supposed to be on guard that day in his position. Not sure if she was there, I knew she was thinking about the man who took a bullet for her. A speech was given, all in Hebrew of course, but I understood everything nonetheless. The feeling of loss is one dear to me from the last few weeks. 18 days to be exact. (Wow, Ironic..... חי,18, which means life). John came back to me today. His death has been no reality for me, but at the graves of the fallen, his smile came flooding back to me, his life had become a memory. These tekesim might have been about fallen soldiers, but I couldn't stop crying for my own personal loss. I held back tears thinking about John. I held them back as best I could.
I thought about the envy I felt for Israelis during this day. They all know someone who has died fighting for their country. This makes their connection with Israel written in blood, and so extremely significant. Some, even, lost a family member (son, brother, daughter, sister, husband, wife) which buried their roots in the ground. How, how, how can I envy them? I have just lost a dear friend, and I cannot fathom my loss, but continuing to imagine it your child, or sibling? Envy? This is a very twisted reality in which we live, but it is. I feel such deep sorrow for the lives lost, and the family members who only have life to live and grab onto. Can sense be made out of what I am saying? I used to wish that I knew what loss felt like, that way I knew how to appreciate and understand when someone else goes through the same. So I could help comfort. I know loss, I hate it. I hate the feeling of nothingness in your stomach, the lightness of my head, the heavy weight on my shoulders, the screaming inside my mind, the whimpers streaming our of my eyes accompanied by tears. Envy? Do I envy this feeling, so I can understand what it means to be physically tied with the land? Yes, yes I do. But, at the same time, when will I be able to share with you that a lost friend, a lost family member, is loosing a piece of yourself? A piece never to be replaced, damned to stay empty forever.
I can see myself serving my country. I can see myself loosing friends, and Gd forbid my family. I can see it. I can see me in the future. These tekesim might have not meant so much to the other kids on EIE, but for sure it meant the world to me. I know loss. He wasn't a soldier, but he was a friend. I thought about him during the service, and cried for him too. I have a mission to accomplish in Israel. I really believe I do. This felt like phase one. Only the beginning.
The importance of serving in the army has infiltrated my mind. From gadna, instilling my pride, and Jewish History, instilling my knowledge and history, today was a day for the dark underbelly of reality. What was the cost of my country? These soldiers, who were mere children. What, two, three, some four years older than I? The last 18 days have had me consistently thinking, what if I died? It's not a scary thought, because everyone does eventually... but it came down to the, "So what? It's one life out of many." I want to make a difference. An impact, and share my message. I don't care if I'm forgotten, I just want to live life, not let it pass by. Does that mean to do the normal things people do? Go to college, partying it up, forgetting that there is more life outside my window? Does it mean working mindlessly in an office to support a family that may or may not hold through years of wear and tear? What is life about? It's a question up for opinion... but it has been ringing in my ears with death larking behind, in the shadows of my mind. What is MY opinion, on how MY life should be led? I think I know what I want to do. I think I know how I want to help. But at the same time, I don't want to be one life out of many. I'd sacrifice my life for my country... but the question is would I be loosing a life of value, or of absent mindlessness? What does true sacrifice mean? What am I willing to risk?
Be strong, was the words of Yom Hazikaron, and be happy are the words of tonight. Sunset ended Memorial Day, and started Independence Day. Yom Ha'tzmeut, the day we got our country. 61 years ago, I got a homeland, other than the one I was born into. My country, my home. I will probably talk more about it tomorrow night, but for right now all I can think about is what was this day worth? Were the lives lost worth this day? I believe so, but at the same time I always thought the people made the land holy, not the land making the people as such. When will Israel stop sacrificing it's sons blood for its mere survival? When?
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