My audience, to you I am thankful for going through this once in a life time experience alongside me. But, I need to express my intentions as the days are starting to dwindle down.
Every since last week, people have been whimpering and whining about going back to the States. "NO, don't bring it up!" is how many react when being faced with the number of days, or at the mere fact EIE is at the brink of its final goodbyes. I am so excited to go back. I miss my mom, my dad, my brother, I miss my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, I miss my friends, and most of all I miss my freedom. I'm living without parents, half away across the world, and with 118 other teenagers, you might be befuddled as to what I'm referring to.
In short, I have more freedom grounded in the US. Plain and simple, I traded two loving parents for three madrachiem who are my brother's age, and have complete responsibility for 40 of us. Have I ever said living with a twin is difficult? Imagine 39 siblings! It feels like my two liberal and loving parents were swapped with three amazing but worried counselors, afraid to trust us with a simple responsibility such as crossing the street without a buddy simply because of the sheer number of us. Where has my individually gone in a sea of American teens who are still just average American teens? Worried about boys, clothing, and looking good for their facebook photos doesn't surprise me, but the fact that many of them make this a trip over an experience confuses me. Where is the freedom being stuck in an American bubble while Israel's culture and daily life is teasing and tempting me outside the rules? I don't need to lie, I'm not ashamed to say I have broken numerous rules here. The biggest of them being not allowed to go certain places on the kibbutz. I know the entirety of the kibbtuz like the back of my hand now, despite the rule, because I am not afraid to explore and 'bend' the rules. But the truth of the matter is I refuse to live in a place without knowing in where it is I am living! I think it's absurd and odd to not understand the place where we live. Security and safety is a marvelous reason to enforce rules, but at the same time, where do these rules make us loose our complete independence?
One thing I don't want this to become is a list of grievances, but I do truly, truly, and completely miss my freedom. I count down the days when I go to Noa's house for the weekend. I can stay out with her until her parents (and my surrogate parents =] ) tell us our curfew is. It's the only time during the week breathing isn't on the schedule. Okay, maybe I'm being a pre-madonna, but hanging out with Noa and friends on the weekend is the only time I feel like I can breathe. In addition, I don't understand how kids who don't go out on the weekends experience authentic teenage life in Israel? In order to sleep late and just be able to be with one of my best friends with out time limits, without restrictions on everything, as well as experiencing actual Israeli life.
Aside from physical restrictions I have been coping with here, I want to share the freedom of thought and mental overflow I have come to. With little physical freedom, I find myself exploring options and the limitless abyss of musing to myself with notions or ideas about myself and my future. I often wonder when the next time I come back to Israel will be. I have taken serious time to contemplate what I want and if this includes aliyah, army, and college in Israel. I have dually come with terms with reality and the hardships starting completely over in a completely different culture will be. Without parents, family support, or any foundation, I'll be virtually be reliving the last 19 years of life if I decide to move to Israel. An avid zionist, a complete idealist, a person who isn't afraid to chase after her dreams, there is still room for rational in my opinionated 16 year-old mind. No doubt I have fallen in love with this land. I have never felt so much apart of a people, never before have I come to understand what national pride is, never have I known a way of life that I envy so, but yet, never have I realized what opportunities have been simply given to me because I am American.
With everyone getting touchy-feely about the closing of EIE, wanting their names written on their classroom walls and chairs, wanting the pictures to keep coming up to the last second, assuring their friends they'll visit no matter what state you or they are from, and no matter what happens they will have had this experience for themselves, I have really taken the opportunity to understand and piece together the ideas I have formulated on hour plus bus rides, and nights of restlessness, and hopeless days in which I thought futile to carry on submissively through. In 108 days, I cannot say I have mapped out my life, or even for sure know what I want to do with the rest of it, but I can confidently say I have found a path all of my own, which I am willing to defend with weeks of thorough thought, experiences unique to my person, as well as ideology far beyond what I came here with. I will not express my future plans here, as things are liable to change, and I'm still very open-minded to outside views, but one thing I will reveal is I have finally found a platform to base my entirety on: family, friends, education, love of my Jewish Identity, and love of my Jewish people. What ever comes of it, will. But what I have never said out loud is I want to make my life in this land, the land I feel most connected with. I won't pretend that doesn't sound arrogant or idealistic or maybe not even fully thought out because after all what's a mere 108 days out of 80 years? I already said, it's liable to change. But for my future, I can completely envision one here. Maybe not right out of high school... maybe not even out of college, maybe a family later, or decades beyond. I promise I will come back. To live, maybe, but with my signature coca-cola in my hand, and a thought in my mind, I think I have a few years to decide.
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